crash! in tears
cw suicide
don't really have the energy for a big post.
sib's 21st. attended a smaller gathering. aware i looked strange. noticed some ppl treated me oddly. no matter. i'm used to it by now.
... my sib snapped on me last night after witnessing one of my mum's friends snap on her a few days ago over my health. everything said was devastating and basically what i say to myself in my worst moments, before picking myself up and going "no, you can't say that. you're the only one who cares. you can't throw away your motivation when nobody else will make things happen for you."
it's worse when someone else has no semblance of cruelty. they just believe themselves to be direct... or worse, a non-confrontational person who wants conflict to end as fast as possible. i think my sib's perception of themselves has some vicious blind spots.
apparently it got worse once my mum and sib left my room, to the point where my sib said my mum was enabling me to waste away to the point of death. ... i'd make a snarky remark abt flu jabs but everything hurts Too much.
mum confided in me she's worried my illness is going to tear the family apart. ... after being responsible for my parent's divorce even kicking off, i'm like... well fuck. idk what to say or do. it hurts too much.
i worry i'll lose my sib or fall behind my peers every damn day. i hardly talk to irls these days anyway; what would i say?! "hi, i'm still sick. i've slipped in health too thanks to a crash, but maybe i'll be better soon. maybe i'll be able to see you sometime." most ppl don't want to hear that nothing's changed or gotten worse, especially when they believe you can power through. i have nothing going on in my life either. i've lost so many ppl already... and my sib's rant didn't help matters at all. neither did mum saying "i'm scared i'll lose [sib]" to which all i could say was "yeah... me too" and not "I??? IIIII???"
then mum went on about how it feels like there's a curse over our family. ... as if i haven't tormented myself enough w that constant "spirit of death" thing ppl keep telling me about, now i wonder whether i've cursed our family bc it all keeps coming back to me. i'm so fucking scared and tired and this is totally irrational... so i wish mum would stop talking about it.
the worst part is that were something to happen, everyone would consider it tragic and heartbreaking, but so long as i'm alive and unable to do the things they want me to [live independently, get a job, be like all the other twenty-something year olds], i'm lazy, draining others of their energy, and need to push myself [something that always makes me worse. that's the hallmark of this fucking condition!!!]
... it really, really does hurt that my condition is invisible to these ppl, but even explaining myself falls on deaf ears. i don't know why i'm alive. i don't think we're put on this earth for reasons... but i wish i had one that wasn't making everything harder for those around me.