crash! week 1 down
i've been in a crash for a week and man. the mental is not healthing.
quick rundown bc my energy is so low and i had a killer insomnia + oversleeping + evening nap combo (FUCK!)
- tried to write day one. big mistake. got 600 words done and felt So Much Worse the next day
- writing a lot in a day makes me v sick (think 600~ words lol... compared to my usual 1-4k)
- need to eat near constantly or consistently otherwise i'll crash and die (or get horrible migraines). rip fasting overnight
- in bed almost all day everyday
- an hour of screentime at once tends to be the most i can take before i (you guessed it) crash
- migraines way more frequent
- aura near constant
- couldn't shower for a week until yesterday. super embarrassing and gross
- dry shampoo gives me migraines but fuck i like having hair
- can't tolerate heavy foods
- can't do anything more than scroll and post
- what a lonely fucking life
- i want to write fic so bad
- i can't write fic
- i'm not kidding
- my mental health is suffering bc i can't write fic
- tbf tho i've been trying to crank out a polycule chatfic w fast pacing and long script sequences
- no fucking wonder i got here (+ the four consecutive colds... thanks housemate who refuses to mask)
- can't start kink-tober which ironically is actually causing me the most anguish bc i was trying to finish the chatfic in time to start that
- i might just turn the chatfic into day 1
- which is . hilarious. it's a hilarious twist that i should've seen coming
- fuck me
- fuck!
- FUCK!!!
anyway aside from panicking i also can't take a lick of anxiety lest my body pack it in instantly. maybe should've seriously pulled back on all non-essentials when i kept getting sick,,,,,,
ugh. i'm still so mad abt it. my housemate was all blase espesh when i said "heyyy can you mask up around me. i am susceptible to illness and Could Get Worse!" and now i'm reliant on them for ................... tbh all the same shit but now on a worse level. now their shit like "less screentime might help your illness!" is grating on me 500% worse bc i can't do Anything. worst of all, they're bemoaning the fact they're coming down w YET ANOTHER FUCKING ILLNESS and dear fucking god i don't give a fuck that you're against mRNA vaccines bc you fell down the alt-right rabbithole. get a fucking flu jab
i hate being put last. really, really, absolutely fucking detest it when being put last means i crash and can't even feel human anymore. oooooooh. nobody understands this feeling save for one irl. i can't talk abt it w/o losing painful amts of energy. it's torture on a level i would never wish on my worst enemy, and i can only pray i get better soon.
whew. hope i don't get worse from letting all this out.